my carte blanche

By: alina hasni

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Saturday, 13-Oct-2007 21:41 Email | Share | | Bookmark
Dreams



Thursday, 9-Aug-2007 14:08 Email | Share | | Bookmark
Malaysia









Monday, 25-Jun-2007 15:17 Email | Share | | Bookmark



Blinded by the haze


It's funny how we constantly say that we know ourselves very well - How aware we are of our actions and how it will consequently affect the people around us, specially loved ones. It all sounds good when we say it, but when the shit hits the fan...it's a whole new dynamic.

I used to believe that till recently. Sometimes when I look at the mirror I become overwhelmed, because I can't recognize my very reflection.

It seems idiotic and naive to say this, but I truly believe that when we are put through new experiences, we believe we are handling in the best way possible. Naive to believe that we feel like we have complete control over the situation, when we actually have none whatsoever, till the time when we are put in the spotlight to stand for the consequences we didn't predict.
Naive to believe we handled it correctly when all we did was to slowly destroy what was meant to be built on strong pillars. Naive to say that " I didn't see that coming" or "I never meant it to be this way...."

I am not saying it's alright to find excuses for mistakes, but I strongly believe we can become quite blind in how to handle things correctly. Sometimes it feels like its an out-of-body experience, where someone else is taking my decisions, hoping that my actions aren't that bad. However, when the shit hits the fan, we wonder how we got where we got, and why we took the decisions we took.

I feel like I've been walking through a haze, blinded by my own ignorance and ability to handle my own problems. The obvious wasn't obvious to me. Maybe I didn't want to acknowledge it. So many maybes, but it's too late. There is no single satisfactory explanation to is, as we are built in such a way where there will constantly exist a chaotic war between logic and emotion. We aren't "simply selfish", "simply stupid" nor "simply heartless". I don't believe it's ever that simple.

It's ridiculous and so cliché, but we naturally take things for granted, specially good things. We complain of what we lack, and when its right in front of us, we overlook (or chose not to look because we didn't put any faith in it from the start). Its ridiculous and cliché, to regreat when it's far too late. But that is exactly how it is. Over and over....


I am overwhelmed by everything I am feeling. I am surprised by my thoughts. I am so scard it isn't funny. Why on earth did I take such actions if all I really wanted was to work things out? I can truly say that I have no idea. I feel blind, ignorant & stupid. Everything that I stand for has become quicksand and I failed to stand up and follow through with it. Everything that I am afraid of, everything I despise about people I have impersonated it myself. THAT is a scary thing, because I don't understand how i got where I got - I feel like I have been sedated. It doesn't get worse than that, I tell you...

I just hope, for myself, and anyone who has taken bad decisions along their journey & hurting people along the way, not to remain so blinded.

How on earth will we ever evoke faith in humanity if we don't stand for it?


Maybe I don't feel like I deserve such good things coming at me (naivity again). I'm sort of numbed - I have been so lucky these past 3 to 4 months. Meeting wonderful people who saw in me things I didn't want to acknowledge, but I didn't handle anything with grace. Why is that? Why couldnt I just have taken it as it was instead? Have I become scared from past experiences, bitter, faithless or have I unconsciously built walls around myself? For what good?

It's funny how the obvious only surfaces when it's too late...It's so funny it's sad. Really sad...

I wanted to have opened my eyes in time. It hurts to hurt someone. I feel like a murderer, and that I wish for no one to have to endure.

from: http://gitxofbrazil.blogspot.com


Monday, 11-Jun-2007 06:36 Email | Share | | Bookmark
4 Sekawan di Musim Panas







Love from Moscow.


Wednesday, 6-Jun-2007 16:56 Email | Share | | Bookmark
Alina Hasni at Malaysian Annual Dinner






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